But now, the fear I felt on my Adventure weekend is accentuated 10 fold. There are men in this room – and there are women. I am being challenged to dig deep, to trust the process and to enter new territory. Now divorced 10 years, single and not involved in an intimate emotional relationship, it’s almost three years since I held someone’s hand.

How did I end up in this situation?

The introduction to this workshop had come through an email on the MKP chat thread, six months previously. An invitation to explore intimacy in a mixed gender situation. Of course I immediately dismissed such a ludicrous thought. After all, I was a man. And, despite my fears, my shame and my guilt, up until my three-year voluntary celibacy I’d rarely been without a girlfriend or partner since my first “real” girlfriend at the age of 14.

For two and a half years I’d told myself I wasn’t destined to be alone, I would find my soul mate. That the “break” I was experiencing was a healthy one, consciously chosen after one more rejection when my latest “life partner” had walked away in very traumatic circumstances. I believed rushing into another relationship would simply be trying to “fix my feelings” rather than understand them.

So I told myself that a six-month “break” would give me the chance to overcome this pattern of trying to medicate my loneliness and lack of self-esteem by enmeshing with a partner who would take responsibility for ensuring I was seen as wonderful, heroic and trustworthy – except it never happened that way.

Six months became 12, 12 became 18, and then, two years down the line, I was a lot clearer who I was and why past mistakes had happened, but there was no-one to share this new found enlightenment with. Of course I had sexual needs, and as a healthy heterosexual man they had to be taken into account: the easiest way was to visit porn sites as a way of relieving my frustration. I didn’t want to admit it, but this had become a habit. Why not, I reasoned? After all, everyone does it. Very few men talk about it as problem, but for me it was not only a way to relieve natural tension; it was also a way of relieving uncomfortable feelings, resentments, fears and sadness. All these feelings, I found, could be masked by a period of self-indulgence in front of the PC screen.

The fact of the matter was while I remained outside a relationship, the only connection I had with women was on a computer or television screen. Ironic really: I’d taken a stand in a bid to stop damaging my own peace of mind and hurting women, and here I was using porn. My voluntary break was supposed to leave room for a healthy, equal partnership based on honesty, trust, commitment and shared interests. Instead, I discovered that when I put old manipulating and seducing behaviours behind me, I actually had no tools, no concept of how to go about initiating and forming such a relationship.

I had plenty of friends who were women, and I had easy-going, enjoyable relationships with female colleagues, but when it came to moving things up a gear, I froze, I shut down. This was like being in a place where everyone seemed to speak a language that might as well have been Greek to me.

Another uncomfortable fact dawning on me was that although “doing porn” is “normal”, in seeking to initiate a new “me” (one motivated by respect and genuine love) I was in fact supporting an industry that is heavily dependent on the exploitation of vulnerable people.

Also growing within me was the unavoidable truth that just as I’d needed help and support in overcoming my addictions, and help and support in forming healthy relationships with other men, so this latest quest would only find success as a collaborative venture. I needed to ask for help. I wasn’t able to do this on my own.

An Initiation Into Intimacy – Another Rite Of Passage For Men

How long I might have flirted with this awareness before I took action I don’t know, because the next thing that happened was that I found myself on an MKP LT2 training in November 2011. We did our work. It was good work. New friends were made; friends who in the past would have remained strangers. And one man who particularly impressed me with his integrity was Frieder Fischer. I discovered he was Jan Day’s partner, and that together they worked on intimacy issues. That was the catalyst I needed to pick up the phone and pursue my interest, despite my fear.

My phone conversation with Jan was easy and enlightening. Had I lived in LondonI’d have taken her suggestion of attending a Meetings Without Masks Sunday afternoon workshop (with equal numbers of men and women). But I don’t live in London and initiating a friendship or relationship with anyone from such a workshop seemed impractical…..  And so instead I booked a place on Jan & Frieder’s Invitation to Intimacy weekend residential workshop in Canterbury a few months later.

So here I was, facing a woman in a line, wordlessly asking to be seen for who I was and inviting a response. What was going to happen? Would I experience what I most feared — crushing rejection — or would I find myself in a different place? Nervously, I took a pace forward, and so did she. As the distance closed I experienced a sense of fear. I stepped back. For a few moments we danced, forward and backwards, not always in time. And then we were face to face. I was seen, I was held, and I felt love for who I am and what I stand for. I felt love flowing both from within and without.

That exercise somehow encapsulates the Inviting Intimacy weekend. Over two days and two nights, a group of strangers, growing together as the weekend went by, experienced radical insights into the nature of intimacy, where it fits into our personal lives, what we seek from it, and how we reject it. It was a safe and clean space, surely facilitated to allow every individual the opportunity to learn, to laugh, to cry, and to love with a deep honesty. This is a love which goes far beyond the narrow sexuality to which the word “love” is often linked in our society.

I left on Sunday, empowered, walking taller, standing prouder. In one sense it was not so different to returning from an Adventure weekend. And since then? Well, it is true I am not yet living in a rose-covered cottage by the sea, with my life partner and soul mate. But the prospect seems a little closer, at least the possibility of a healthy, honest, committed relationship….if not the rose-covered cottage!

Tellingly I blanked on the fact that Inviting Intimacy is the first step of a carefully structured series of opportunities. While many of my friends from that weekend went forward to follow up their work and explore further experiences, for example in the meaning of tantric teaching, I found myself playing the role of “outsider”. And this triggered old responses such as feeling “on the shelf”, excluded, and isolated. However, I could see these for what they were, old head-stories that could only pull me back if I listened to them – and believed them.

Instead I saw it as part of my own process. If the weekend opened me up to a new interpretation of intimacy, one that could lead me to a fulfilled relationship, perhaps the “blanked bit” shows the part of me that does not want a relationship. And that is very  fertile ground to explore.

I know from just one weekend that here is another community, one that is safe, supportive and validating. Relationships and friendships built here have substance, and Jan Day has an astute eye for the nature of love and intimacy, and a firm but gentle way of offering a way back to those who are led off that path, sexually or otherwise. Assisted and held by Frieder and the other trainers, this was a safe way for me and for others to take a step nearer to the place we long to be.

My commitment now is to continue this work. By the time this article is published I’ll have done more of the work I need to do, with the loving, generous people who were there for me when I asked for help. The journey continues in the right direction, while the ultimate destination is in God’s hands.

Jim F

Find out more at www.janday.com

Can I say that my life radically changed with the help of the MKP New Warrior Training? Quite simply – Yes. Like many changes in life, when they come, they happen all at once. I had already decided to quit my dreary day job two months beforehand. My wife and I had already decided to teach Tantra together, to rent our flat in London and spend a year travelling, teaching and generally testing the water of the new flow of life that beckoned.

I’d booked the NWTA months before – in fact it had slipped to the back of my mind, then boom! It was the night before and I was packing for every possibility, thinking “maybe we’ll be asked to dig holes in the cold winter earth and sleep in them” and “maybe a marathon will be involved”!

The big day came, and I was aware more than ever of a weight I’d been carrying around for a long time. The weight spoke and said “I have to prove to myself and the world that I am a formidable man”. However, what I hadn’t reckoned on was the open, nurturing and immensely well-held space that the facilitators created up on that cold desolate farm near Hadrian’s wall. The amount of heart, love and kindness available there, made it obvious that this wasn’t a Boot Camp but a welcome to BEING A MAN! A Modern-Day Rite Of Passage, in fact!

I had the good fortune to drive up with the best three men possible – and we shared our thoughts, fears and fantasies along the 6 hour drive from London to Newcastle.

My most memorable moment? Well, there were many, but the one that confirmed to me that I was in the right place was this: the first night, when we arrived, all the staff were telling us where to go and what to do. And the experience went on a good part of that first night, through twists and turns, and for perhaps the first time I remember feeling held in the company of men. I felt that finally I could relax, because these men were leading clearly and with intention. When they spoke they often said the words that I’ll never forget: “MEN are .……” Well, if you’ve been, you’ll know. And if you haven’t, you may want to find out for yourself one day.

In all the men I met on that weekend with its rites Of Passage, I could see aspects of the power, fragility and beauty of simply being a man. It touched me deeply.

The Adventure formed part of a pivotal moment in my life, it nourished me, gave me strength and courage. An inner fathering, an inner connectedness, was fostered there. From that point I moved on from the shadows of 10 years’ office drudgery and into the light of teaching Tantra.

Just 10 days after the NWTA course had finished my wife and I were on our way to Thailand for 2 months, where I was invited (out of the blue) to co-teach a Tantra festival, a men’s group and even star in a documentary about Tantra!

This has all been a cluster of jewels in my life and MKP gave me a sense of metal in my physical and spiritual backbone that simply said to me “I can do this”. Today, 3 months later, things are still flowing. Invites to teach and travel to Estonia, Latvia, Poland, New York and Amsterdam come in, and I simply say “Yes!”

Vince H

Having changed careers and left my marriage, I was really seeking a different way of being. Two years on, I feel an amazing transformation has taken place, yet I am also aware (good word!) that the journey continues. The lovely Az is now my friend, lover, work partner and above all soulmate. I feel so rich in my life! So what happened?

I opened myself up, took risks and was courageous. I slowed down my furious pace of life and step by step have become more conscious. This was done with much support from so many people, organisations and friends. I did “The Journey” at Embercombe, the Noble Man, the ManKind Project NWTA and a meditation programme. I even spent a weekend Sacred Clowning – the idea inspired by a mention in the last issue of Spearhead!

I see each of these transformational events as pieces in the jigsaw of my life, all equally important as the whole picture slowly emerges. The gold from this has been amazing. Being so much more present and feeling my emotions; seeing those emotions yet not letting them take over and rule me. Starting to write poetry and discovering last Sunday that I could sing! A close, intimate and loving relationship, one with total honesty and openness.

I do not exaggerate to say that there is nothing that I don’t feel I can share with Az. It’s often hard and gritty; Az describes it like the grit in the oyster that you know will turn into a beautiful pearl one day. I see that pearl growing right in front of my eyes and love it. I am so much clearer in my work, know my purpose in being on this planet at this time and am living my values. I feel very clear on my roles and responsibilities, and just as importantly those that aren’t mine to deal with. I am much more honest with colleagues, even when what has to be said is difficult.

My working life is much more harmonious and I know that we have inspired so many others to make positive changes in their lives and companies. The relationship with my eldest son J (who turned 17 the other day) has healed so much. He and I were so close and his pain following my departure really hurt me in a way I could never have imagined.

With R, my other son, we still have a way to go. We have many difficult times and painful words; yet as Jon my wise mentor keeps reminding me “tough is good”; it means he is talking to me, wants to engage, has things to say.

And then there is my dark side, that wonderful shadow so adept at tripping me up. To get others’ love and attention, I realised that I put their needs ahead of mine; then I often felt exploited and taken advantage of, a victim, somehow missing that I made those decisions and that it was me who was in charge of my life. Totally and 100% in charge! This is the maturity that comes from undergoing male rites of passage, some kind of experience which introduces you to the whole of your inner world, dark and light alike.

Now with my affirmation “as a man amongst men, I am loved” I hold my head up high and walk tall in the world, knowing that I am loved…I am loved! I hold my little boy and assure him he is loved and I’m with him every step of the way!

I really want to publically express my gratitude to Az, although this word seems too small for what I am trying to say. She has encouraged me, challenged me and loved me through all of this. I know for sure that without her my life would be much less fulfilling. More than this though. She is on her own journey and is totally committed to discovering her true purpose in life, to loving herself and standing in her power as a woman. She is also discovering her own shadow!

With a far more challenging upbringing that mine, her work has been truly amazing to watch. To see her blossom as the truly beautiful human being that she is brings tears to my eyes. She too has received so much love and support from others, and to them I am so grateful; especially to an organisation called Feminine Power, with whom she is doing a year long programme. Men, get your women friends and lovers to look into it, you won’t regret it! This really is a modern day Rites Of Passage experience for men, and it can have profound effects.

The ManKind Project, MKP, has been a really important part of this journey. I am now a regular at the London Belsize Park iGroup and so look forward to every second Tuesday and sharing precious moments with my fellow men.

Through Ben, who was involved in my NWTA, I ended up taking my boys (young men really!) on a bushcraft weekend. What a beautiful weekend, and what an introduction for them to my new world. They loved it and really got into the spirit of the temporary community we set up in Devon. R’s closing comment was that he didn’t realise how much nature could provide. He really gelled with the other young people, while J’s loving and gentle spirit shone in a way I’m seeing more and more. On the way back to London, R made some sarcastic comment about something being part of “Dad’s weird new age hippy ways”; I resisted the temptation to observe that the weekend he’d loved so much was his entry to Dad’s “weird new age hippy world”!

I still have my PIT training to look forward to and I will definitely staff on an Adventure weekend programme next year.

I look back at some of the ways I was when I first met Az with amazement and wonder. Was I really that detached, unaware, insensitive and caught up in my head? What did she see in me? Although I do love my life so much more now, the way I was served me for many years, and I don’t have regrets. I really need to watch out though for smugness creeping in, as hey presto, my shadow will seize the opportunity and wham, I’ll be on the floor.

Only last week, a sense of being taken advantage of and being the victim lead me to make an extraordinary assumption and a silly accusation. Afterwards I felt so humble, small and useless…..I questioned what all this work was about….was I really that slow? Yet fairly quickly I saw that as long as I learnt something from it, it was OK. So Shadow, I know you have a role to play and I embrace you too….. I finish writing this as I approach the sea for a journey to the Isle of Wight to support some men becoming “Noblemen”’ – a perfect complement to MKP, check it out: www.nobleman.info .

I reflect on how fortunate I am… and I repeat: How rich I feel.

Andrew T

But I never did the NWTA to take the easy way out in life. So I agreed to submit a piece….but when it comes to sharing about the weekend one of the problems is there is so much to say – but on the other hand whatever I do say will just not do it justice.

What is true to say is HOLY SH*T! WOW! OMG!

So. Let’s start with some background. My name is David and I’m 53 years old, a father of 4. I’ve worked in the field of personal and business development for 25 years, I have led personal development courses all over the world and I ran my own consulting company from 2000 to 2007.

At the end of 2007 I went through a heartbreaking and traumatic divorce. I failed spectacularly to divorce with any degree of grace or dignity, resulting in a breakdown of my health, finally becoming so ill that I spent most of 2010 bedbound or housebound with a serious health issue.

I experienced my life, and the man I knew myself to be, literally disappearing around me. The most challenging and upsetting aspect of this was the deterioration of my physical well-being and vitality. I’ve always been able to look after myself, live a full and active life, and fight my way back from anything….but not this time.

I was in a terrible state, with the medical profession offering no way forward. Until I met an extraordinary doctor in May 2011. By December my health was totally transformed. I experienced energy, creativity and a desire to get out there and be productive start to flow back into me. I also felt a real weakness and a big insecurity in my experience of myself as a powerful man. What could I do to get my power back? What Rites of Passage might help me?

Determination and drive was not going to do it, but I owed it to my partner, children, and my family who had been so generous with me, stood by me through this whole terrible experience, to be the best man I can be. I’m no stranger to working on my self and I’ve done all manner of programs, course and retreats all over the world. But never have I done any “men’s work”.

It was at this time a very good friend shared with me about this weekend – The New Warrior Training Adventure. Honestly, when he first said the name I thought he was talking about some new fangled paint ball weekend. But when my friend shared what he got from the weekend, I realized he had done something very special and powerful. That was all I needed to hear.

After speaking to the MKP enrolment manager, I was clear that I wanted to participate. The problem was my finances. He told me there were no scholarships left, but if I wanted to ask the MKP community of men for support he would get that message out. That was the first confronting process. I am terrible asking for anything, let alone help. But I knew that if I didn’t ask, I wouldn’t do the weekend in December 2011. So I sat down, let go of my fears and embarrassment, and wrote a couple of paragraphs. It was liberating and quite moving to do that, and more importantly the responses just completely blew me away; I was so humbled, moved and grateful to this new community of men – and I was off to do the NWTA.

What a rollercoaster of a weekend. The whole energy of male initiation was very powerful for me. This is a true rite of passage. Not in the realm of joining something or being in some cult, religion or club, just in the realm of becoming a man: strange at 53, but a very real and powerful experience. It was like something deep in me had been touched, turned on, and I had come home to myself after being lost for a while.

I can’t explain it, but I guess if you have done the weekend you know exactly what I am saying. Also by the time I got to the last meal, and I’d experienced the whole weekend, I was so impressed with the structure, the journey and delivery of the process. Having actually been able to physically do it, I felt great, peaceful, centered and powerful: it was amazing.

I felt this wasn’t the end of something but the start of something very special and powerful, a new chapter of my life. Now what? My mission is to create a world that connects the hearts of all people, unleashing love, balance and workability. I do this by sharing myself, sharing wisdom and supporting people.

As an outcome of my creation I would like to invite you to look at our website – www.theearthheartfoundation.org  The message of this site comes directly from the heart. It’s very early days and if you would like to contribute please feel free to contact us.

My Love and Respect,

David

Though I knew nothing about politics at the time, my people, the Europeans who ran Rhodesia, decided that they would not give up the country to its African inhabitants. As a result many African men crossed to neighbouring countries to arm and train themselves to fight for their country. Their main strategy was to kill the European farmers on their isolated farms and drive the Europeans out of the country. I became embroiled in this war for the rest of my childhood.

My home changed suddenly from a natural oasis in the deep bush to a very heavily defended fortress. On the edge of our garden my father erected a strong barbed wire fence with spotlights, and he graded bare a wide area outside the fence so there was no cover for anyone attacking us. Sand bags were placed around all our bedroom windows, and metal screens covered the glass so grenades could not be chucked in.

We were connected directly to the army by radio because if we were attacked our telephone lines would be cut and the road to the house would be planted with land mines so we couldn’t get out. From the age of eight I was armed and trained to shoot to protect my family. I lived in this war until I left the country at fifteen, when my father decided he did not want me or my brother to go into the army, and we emigrated to the UK.

Although we were never attacked and I wasn’t involved in direct action I spent my time as a child armed and on high alert, in danger virtually all the time. Many people in my area were killed, including some very close friends. I was often deeply afraid and grew convinced I was going to be killed. Then, when I was 15, we suddenly left Africa and came to live in Wales. I buried my past, and got on with my life and tried to look ahead rather than behind.

As a young man I marched forward into life with great gusto, determined to make a success of myself. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to fully leave my past behind, and I was troubled for many years with terrible nightmares. The format was always the same: I would dream that someone was after me, that they wanted to kill me, and I would do everything I could to get away from them until I realised I couldn’t escape, then I would turn on them, attack them, and kill them in an extremely violent manner. I would wake feeling very traumatised.

I couldn’t sleep deeply and would sleep on high alert, instantly awake at the slightest sound, ready to leap into action. I also suffered from guilt at leaving friends behind in the war. I wasn’t able to contain my fear all the time and instinctively dived for the floor if there was a loud bang or sudden disturbance, which caused me deep embarrassment.

As well as this, in my late twenties my anger and rage felt like it was going out of control. Even when I felt safe with people I would punch walls and doors and smash up the houses I was living in. I was finding it harder and harder to bottle up the anger I’d invoked as a child to protect my family, and I felt like a killer. Though I’d never killed anyone, except in my nightmares, I felt soaked in violence and death and had no idea what to do with these feelings within me.

But, when someone mentioned the ManKind Project and the NWTA (new warrior training adventure), I instinctively knew this could help me. I wasn’t really sure why men’s work would help, since I was afraid of men and distrusted them, but I could sense it was important for me to go on this weekend. This was really my own Rites of Passage.

The early part of the weekend was very difficult for me; I felt very thoroughly triggered into my fear, rage and darkness. However, I was able to reopen my past for the first time in my life. I was very lucky to have a wonderful African-American man working me, and I was able to own the angry, killing, murderous, raging, dangerous parts of myself. I was able to look him in the eye and confess that I felt like a murderer. These parts of me were accepted, even loved, by this man and the other men present, and I felt a huge burden lift off me. I felt acknowledged and seen as who I am for the first time ever. This meant a huge amount to me.

For many years after my MKP adventure I’ve continued my work in the Bath iGroup , and slowly, with the help of some wonderful brothers, I’ve continued to bring my past out of hiding and integrate it into me and my life.

I am now working on yet another level and am gradually realising just how much of my life I’ve lived “in emergency”, on high alert, ever-ready to protect those I love. Now I’m feeling very tired of this and I’m looking at how I can relax from my past. So I continue my work, trying to get the best fit possible. The journey continues…

Hugh N 

(iGroups are an ongoing men’s groups which support MKP initiated men after they have been through the Rites Of Passage weekend… they are set up by men who have been through the MKP weekend initiation and are found in every country where MKP offers the NWTA or New Warrior Training Adventure – Editor)