Male Rites Of Passage & Initiation

My journey started in earnest a couple of years ago in a pub in Islington, when I shared lovely food and wine with a gorgeous French-Lebanese woman. I arrived clutching a book called “Awareness”, as that was what I was yearning for.

Having changed careers and left my marriage, I was really seeking a different way of being. Two years on, I feel an amazing transformation has taken place, yet I am also aware (good word!) that the journey continues. The lovely Az is now my friend, lover, work partner and above all soulmate. I feel so rich in my life! So what happened?

I opened myself up, took risks and was courageous. I slowed down my furious pace of life and step by step have become more conscious. This was done with much support from so many people, organisations and friends. I did “The Journey” at Embercombe, the Noble Man, the ManKind Project NWTA and a meditation programme. I even spent a weekend Sacred Clowning – the idea inspired by a mention in the last issue of Spearhead!

I see each of these transformational events as pieces in the jigsaw of my life, all equally important as the whole picture slowly emerges. The gold from this has been amazing. Being so much more present and feeling my emotions; seeing those emotions yet not letting them take over and rule me. Starting to write poetry and discovering last Sunday that I could sing! A close, intimate and loving relationship, one with total honesty and openness.

I do not exaggerate to say that there is nothing that I don’t feel I can share with Az. It’s often hard and gritty; Az describes it like the grit in the oyster that you know will turn into a beautiful pearl one day. I see that pearl growing right in front of my eyes and love it. I am so much clearer in my work, know my purpose in being on this planet at this time and am living my values. I feel very clear on my roles and responsibilities, and just as importantly those that aren’t mine to deal with. I am much more honest with colleagues, even when what has to be said is difficult.

My working life is much more harmonious and I know that we have inspired so many others to make positive changes in their lives and companies. The relationship with my eldest son J (who turned 17 the other day) has healed so much. He and I were so close and his pain following my departure really hurt me in a way I could never have imagined.

With R, my other son, we still have a way to go. We have many difficult times and painful words; yet as Jon my wise mentor keeps reminding me “tough is good”; it means he is talking to me, wants to engage, has things to say.

And then there is my dark side, that wonderful shadow so adept at tripping me up. To get others’ love and attention, I realised that I put their needs ahead of mine; then I often felt exploited and taken advantage of, a victim, somehow missing that I made those decisions and that it was me who was in charge of my life. Totally and 100% in charge!

Now with my affirmation “as a man amongst men, I am loved” I hold my head up high and walk tall in the world, knowing that I am loved…I am loved! I hold my little boy and assure him he is loved and I’m with him every step of the way!

I really want to publically express my gratitude to Az, although this word seems too small for what I am trying to say. She has encouraged me, challenged me and loved me through all of this. I know for sure that without her my life would be much less fulfilling. More than this though. She is on her own journey and is totally committed to discovering her true purpose in life, to loving herself and standing in her power as a woman. She is also discovering her own shadow!

With a far more challenging upbringing that mine, her work has been truly amazing to watch. To see her blossom as the truly beautiful human being that she is brings tears to my eyes. She too has received so much love and support from others, and to them I am so grateful; especially to an organisation called Feminine Power, with whom she is doing a year long programme. Men, get your women friends and lovers to look into it, you won’t regret it!

The ManKind Project, MKP, has been a really important part of this journey. I am now a regular at the London Belsize Park iGroup and so look forward to every second Tuesday and sharing precious moments with my fellow men.

Through Ben, who was involved in my NWTA, I ended up taking my boys (young men really!) on a bushcraft weekend. What a beautiful weekend, and what an introduction for them to my new world. They loved it and really got into the spirit of the temporary community we set up in Devon. R’s closing comment was that he didn’t realise how much nature could provide. He really gelled with the other young people, while J’s loving and gentle spirit shone in a way I’m seeing more and more. On the way back to London, R made some sarcastic comment about something being part of “Dad’s weird new age hippy ways”; I resisted the temptation to observe that the weekend he’d loved so much was his entry to Dad’s “weird new age hippy world”!

I still have my PIT training to look forward to and I will definitely staff on an Adventure weekend programme next year.

I look back at some of the ways I was when I first met Az with amazement and wonder. Was I really that detached, unaware, insensitive and caught up in my head? What did she see in me? Although I do love my life so much more now, the way I was served me for many years, and I don’t have regrets. I really need to watch out though for smugness creeping in, as hey presto, my shadow will seize the opportunity and wham, I’ll be on the floor.

Only last week, a sense of being taken advantage of and being the victim lead me to make an extraordinary assumption and a silly accusation. Afterwards I felt so humble, small and useless…..I questioned what all this work was about….was I really that slow? Yet fairly quickly I saw that as long as I learnt something from it, it was OK. So Shadow, I know you have a role to play and I embrace you too….. I finish writing this as I approach the sea for a journey to the Isle of Wight to support some men becoming “Noblemen”’ – a perfect complement to MKP, check it out: www.nobleman.info .

 I reflect on how fortunate I am… and I repeat: How rich I feel.

Andrew T

I received an email from Rod, editor of the ManKind Project (MKP) UK magazine, asking if I would like to write a piece for the Spring issue. To be honest my first reaction was “hell no”.

But I never did the NWTA to take the easy way out in life. So I agreed to submit a piece….but when it comes to sharing about the weekend one of the problems is there is so much to say – but on the other hand whatever I do say will just not do it justice.

What is true to say is HOLY SH*T! WOW! OMG!

So. Let’s start with some background. My name is David and I’m 53 years old, a father of 4. I’ve worked in the field of personal and business development for 25 years, I have led personal development courses all over the world and I ran my own consulting company from 2000 to 2007.

At the end of 2007 I went through a heartbreaking and traumatic divorce. I failed spectacularly to divorce with any degree of grace or dignity, resulting in a breakdown of my health, finally becoming so ill that I spent most of 2010 bedbound or housebound with a serious health issue.

I experienced my life, and the man I knew myself to be, literally disappearing around me. The most challenging and upsetting aspect of this was the deterioration of my physical well-being and vitality. I’ve always been able to look after myself, live a full and active life, and fight my way back from anything….but not this time.

I was in a terrible state, with the medical profession offering no way forward. Until I met an extraordinary doctor in May 2011. By December my health was totally transformed. I experienced energy, creativity and a desire to get out there and be productive start to flow back into me. I also felt a real weakness and a big insecurity in my experience of myself as a powerful man. What could I do to get my power back?

Determination and drive was not going to do it, but I owed it to my partner, children, and my family who had been so generous with me, stood by me through this whole terrible experience, to be the best man I can be. I’m no stranger to working on my self and I’ve done all manner of programs, course and retreats all over the world. But never have I done any “men’s work”.

It was at this time a very good friend shared with me about this weekend – The New Warrior Training Adventure. Honestly, when he first said the name I thought he was talking about some new fangled paint ball weekend. But when my friend shared what he got from the weekend, I realized he had done something very special and powerful. That was all I needed to hear.

After speaking to the MKP enrolment manager, I was clear that I wanted to participate. The problem was my finances. He told me there were no scholarships left, but if I wanted to ask the MKP community of men for support he would get that message out. That was the first confronting process. I am terrible asking for anything, let alone help. But I knew that if I didn’t ask, I wouldn’t do the weekend in December 2011. So I sat down, let go of my fears and embarrassment, and wrote a couple of paragraphs. It was liberating and quite moving to do that, and more importantly the responses just completely blew me away; I was so humbled, moved and grateful to this new community of men – and I was off to do the NWTA.

What a rollercoaster of a weekend. The whole energy of male initiation was very powerful for me. Not in the realm of joining something or being in some cult, religion or club, just in the realm of becoming a man: strange at 53, but a very real and powerful experience. It was like something deep in me had been touched, turned on, and I had come home to myself after being lost for a while.

I can’t explain it, but I guess if you have done the weekend you know exactly what I am saying. Also by the time I got to the last meal, and I’d experienced the whole weekend, I was so impressed with the structure, the journey and delivery of the process. Having actually been able to physically do it, I felt great, peaceful, centered and powerful: it was amazing.

I felt this wasn’t the end of something but the start of something very special and powerful, a new chapter of my life. Now what? My mission is to create a world that connects the hearts of all people, unleashing love, balance and workability. I do this by sharing myself, sharing wisdom and supporting people.

As an outcome of my creation I would like to invite you to look at our website – www.theearthheartfoundation.org  The message of this site comes directly from the heart. It’s very early days and if you would like to contribute please feel free to contact us.

My Love and Respect,

David

I grew up in Rhodesia, now Zimbabwe. The early part of my childhood was idyllic. With my family I was part of a farming community in Shamva, an outlying district about two hours from the capital. Our house and garden were surrounded by wild virgin bush and I spent many happy hours exploring this untamed land and its animals. I grew to passionately love the earth and my beautiful country.

Though I knew nothing about politics at the time, my people, the Europeans who ran Rhodesia, decided that they would not give up the country to its African inhabitants. As a result many African men crossed to neighbouring countries to arm and train themselves to fight for their country. Their main strategy was to kill the European farmers on their isolated farms and drive the Europeans out of the country. I became embroiled in this war for the rest of my childhood.

My home changed suddenly from a natural oasis in the deep bush to a very heavily defended fortress. On the edge of our garden my father erected a strong barbed wire fence with spotlights, and he graded bare a wide area outside the fence so there was no cover for anyone attacking us. Sand bags were placed around all our bedroom windows, and metal screens covered the glass so grenades could not be chucked in.

We were connected directly to the army by radio because if we were attacked our telephone lines would be cut and the road to the house would be planted with land mines so we couldn’t get out. From the age of eight I was armed and trained to shoot to protect my family. I lived in this war until I left the country at fifteen, when my father decided he did not want me or my brother to go into the army, and we emigrated to the UK.

Although we were never attacked and I wasn’t involved in direct action I spent my time as a child armed and on high alert, in danger virtually all the time. Many people in my area were killed, including some very close friends. I was often deeply afraid and grew convinced I was going to be killed. Then, when I was 15, we suddenly left Africa and came to live in Wales. I buried my past, and got on with my life and tried to look ahead rather than behind.

As a young man I marched forward into life with great gusto, determined to make a success of myself. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to fully leave my past behind, and I was troubled for many years with terrible nightmares. The format was always the same: I would dream that someone was after me, that they wanted to kill me, and I would do everything I could to get away from them until I realised I couldn’t escape, then I would turn on them, attack them, and kill them in an extremely violent manner. I would wake feeling very traumatised.

I couldn’t sleep deeply and would sleep on high alert, instantly awake at the slightest sound, ready to leap into action. I also suffered from guilt at leaving friends behind in the war. I wasn’t able to contain my fear all the time and instinctively dived for the floor if there was a loud bang or sudden disturbance, which caused me deep embarrassment.

As well as this, in my late twenties my anger and rage felt like it was going out of control. Even when I felt safe with people I would punch walls and doors and smash up the houses I was living in. I was finding it harder and harder to bottle up the anger I’d invoked as a child to protect my family, and I felt like a killer. Though I’d never killed anyone, except in my nightmares, I felt soaked in violence and death and had no idea what to do with these feelings within me.

But, when someone mentioned the ManKind Project and the NWTA (new warrior training adventure), I instinctively knew this could help me. I wasn’t really sure why men’s work would help, since I was afraid of men and distrusted them, but I could sense it was important for me to go on this weekend.

The early part of the weekend was very difficult for me; I felt very thoroughly triggered into my fear, rage and darkness. However, I was able to reopen my past for the first time in my life. I was very lucky to have a wonderful African-American man working me, and I was able to own the angry, killing, murderous, raging, dangerous parts of myself. I was able to look him in the eye and confess that I felt like a murderer. These parts of me were accepted, even loved, by this man and the other men present, and I felt a huge burden lift off me. I felt acknowledged and seen as who I am for the first time ever. This meant a huge amount to me.

For many years after my MKP adventure I’ve continued my work in the Bath iGroup , and slowly, with the help of some wonderful brothers, I’ve continued to bring my past out of hiding and integrate it into me and my life.

I am now working on yet another level and am gradually realising just how much of my life I’ve lived “in emergency”, on high alert, ever-ready to protect those I love. Now I’m feeling very tired of this and I’m looking at how I can relax from my past. So I continue my work, trying to get the best fit possible. The journey continues…

Hugh N 

[iGroups are an ongoing men's groups which support MKP initiated men... they are set up by men who have been through the MKP weekend initiation and are found in every country where MKP offers the NWTA - Editor]